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Family Oriented Jokes |
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I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.
Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks..."
family-jokes[274] |
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Real Men
Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide:
1. Present it to the President of the United States.
2. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
3. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
1. Innocence.
2. Idealism.
3. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
1. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
2. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips).
3. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
1. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
2. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
3. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the base path, (2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
1. A cat.
2. A dog.
3. A dog that eats cats.
6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the paper. Suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
1. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
2. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
3. That you cannot believe the Vikings called a draw play on third and seventeen.
7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
1. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
2. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
3. Tell her what?
8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
1. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
2. "They're in school already?"
3. "There are three of them?"
9. When is it okay to throw away a veteran nightshirt?
1. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your arms.
2. When it is down to eight loosely connected nightshirt molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
3. It is never okay to throw away veteran nightshirts. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, is quietly trying to discard his nightshirt, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
10. What is the human race's single greatest gift?
1. Democracy.
2. Religion.
3. Remote control.
family-jokes[273] |
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Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . ."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule, Bessie.
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
family-jokes[272] |
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A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of coworkers recently complained about what a pain it was.
I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."
family-jokes[271] |
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A despondent woman was walking along the beach when she saw a bottle on the sand. She picked it up and pulled out the cork. Whoosh! A big puff of smoke appeared.
"You have released me from my prison," the genie told her. "To show my thanks, I grant you three wishes. But take care, for with each wish, your mate will receive double of whatever you request."
"Why?" the woman asked. "That bum left me for another woman."
"That is how it is written," replied the genie.
The woman shrugged and then asked for a million dollars. There was a flash of light, and a million dollars appeared at her feet. At the same instant, in a far-off place, her wayward husband looked down to see twice that amount at his feet.
"And your second wish?"
"Genie, I want the world's most expensive diamond necklace." Another flash of light, and the woman was holding the precious treasure. And, in that distant place, her husband was looking for a gem broker to buy his latest bonanza.
"Genie, is it really true that my husband has two million dollars and more jewels that I do, and that he gets double of whatever I wish for?"
The genie said it was indeed true.
"Okay, genie, I'm ready for my last wish," the woman said. "Scare me half to death."
family-jokes[261] |
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